Still figuring it out
by Chloetippler
Summary: 6 months after Allie has been destroyed, everyone is trying to settle back into normal life. With Clarke away most of the time Bellamy is always eagerly waiting for her return. When Clarke comes back for a visit Bellamy has to figure out his feelings for her with the help of Raven. Can Bellamy battle with his heart and admit to himself his true feelings for her?
1. Chapter 1

I stand by my post in the glorious morning sunshine. The sweet smell of fresh grass and flowers is un- avoidable. Something I will never be able to get used to on earth; the smells. As I take in the new day in all it's beauty I can see a small figure approaching in the distance, heading towards the gates. As soon as I see a hint of gold hair, I rush down from my post and run towards the gate to greet her. It's been 6 months since we destroyed Allie and ever since then Clarke has been coming in and out of Arkadia but never staying for very long. She spends most of her time in Polis as ambassador for Arkadia but I can tell that there's more to it than that. Clarke can't just settle back into normality like the rest of us plus staying around Polis keeps the memory of Lexa alive in her mind. I wait impatiently by the gate for her arrival. The last time I saw her was 3 weeks ago and without Clarke around I tend to be on edge, she makes me feel mundane again.

The gates swing open and Clarke strides towards me with a large smile on her face. I jog up to her and engulf her in my embrace. I wrap my arms around her back and squeeze tightly never wanting to let go, I nuzzle into her hair and take in her familiar sent. When we reluctantly pull away from the hug we stare at each other for a moment, smiling and then laugh with hysteria. Despite the closeness we now feel towards each other, it's still feels slightly strange; almost a year ago I would never have been able to imagine that Clarke Griffin and I would be friends let alone whatever our current relationship is. It's similar to best friends but there is something more to it than that, a connection unlike friendship. I sigh with relief and grin stupidly as I say "I'm so happy to see you". Clarke chuckles a little at my whimsical expression. "Well I'm only here for a week at most, the new commander wants me back pretty soon" she says. "Do you ever get a break?" I ask jokingly but still with sincerity. She smirks and nudges me on the shoulder as she answers "There is no such thing as a 'break' when you are working for the commander"

We laugh and make friendly conversation as we walk inside Arkadia's walls side by side. The already splendid morning just got even better. When we reach the central building Clarke is swamped by people wanting to see her and welcome her back and she graciously greets them all, pleased that so many people care about her return. "So how's Murphy doing?" I ask as we make our way through the left wing corridor to medical. Murphy stayed in Polis after the Allie situation so that he and Emori could start a shop together, from what I've heard it's a pretty sleazy business but I would expect no less from Murphy. "He's okay" she says marching with haste to see her mother "He got himself into a bit of trouble when he tried to sell a flimsy sword to one of the commander's guards" I laugh to myself as she says it; classic Murphy. After a few minutes we reach medical and Abby griffin is consumed by work as patients overload the sick bay. "Flu" I say to Clarke as she takes in the scene before her. "Outbreak happened a few days ago, half the camp has gone down" Clarke slowly works her way between the sick and injured to get to where her mother is standing. When Abby finally sees her daughter standing in front of her, her eyes well up a little and she takes Clarke's face in her hands, kissing her on the cheek before swallowing her in a hug. I stand awkwardly behind them waiting for the embrace to be over. I always got a feeling that Abby doesn't like me very much, I can't understand why when most of what I have done has been to protect her daughter but she always wards me away. When Abby eventually loosens her hold on Clarke, I can see that Clarke's absence has been more difficult for her than I realised. Maybe I'm not the only one who struggles to function properly when Clarke isn't around. "Are you okay?" the doctor asks smiling eagerly at her with tears still brimming in her eyes. "Yeah I'm fine Mom" says Clarke, affectionately placing a hand on her Mother's shoulder to reassure her "I have to go and talk with Raven but I promise I will come and find you later so we can catch up" Abby nods gingerly to Clarke's request but lets her go without further reconciliation. Clarke and I walk out of the over flowing sick bay and head towards the engineer station to find Raven. The thin, metal corridors radiate a certain coolness and I pull my sleeves over my fingertips, not welcoming the sudden decline in temperature. Clarke is kitted out in thick layers of leather and grounder armour so I doubt she can feel the cold in the same way as I but still I have the urge to check if she's alright and needs something to warm her up. When we reach Raven's room she is slamming a huge mallet aggressively into a metal disk, creating a horrendous noise. I call out to her to get her attention and she whips around to see us standing in her doorway. "Clarke!" she says gleefully and runs forward to receive her friend. They hug for a while but Clarke is quicker to pull away this time-probably getting tired from obtaining so much human contact today. "It's so good to see you" Raven says beaming happily. "You too" says Clarke before continuing to say "However I am here for a different reason than to say hi" Raven raises an eyebrow questioningly and Clarke carries on to explain her purpose here. "The commander has requested a new lift in the tower that needs to be faster and more efficient than the current one, I was hoping you might be able to help" she says expectantly. Raven considers this for a moment and turns around to look at the work she is doing presently. I can't tell what she is making but I can see an enormous number and wires and cables littered around the room and large hunks of metal resting against the wall and table legs. "Yeah okay, sounds great" replies Raven concluding that what she is working on at present isn't as beneficial as the commander's lift.

As Clarke further informs Raven of the job prospect, I notice Raven looking us up and down. She appears to be speculating something but I can't tell what and then she looks me directly in the eye for a second. Just a small second but I can tell that she is suggesting something; something about Clarke. Raven and Clarke discuss business for a long time and I am left day dreaming in the corner. It feels so good to have her back again. Without Clarke I have no one to confide in, of course I know I can talk to the others but none of them understand what me and Clarke have gone through. She gets me like no one else does, not even Octavia, and when I'm standing here watching her just being herself, I can't help but feel 10x happier. I'm dragged out of my thoughts when Raven says my name to get my attention. "Bellamy?" she says curious as to why I wasn't mentally present. "Yep-uh-sorry, I got lost in my thoughts" I say awkwardly. Clarke smiles softly to herself in amusement at my startled response. "I need to talk with you real quick" the mechanic says and then turns to Clarke for conformation "You don't mind if I steal him for a second, do you?" she asks. "Not at all" says Clarke still smiling. Damn, that smile is cute. "I'll see you later" she says to me, leaving the room to go announce her return to a few more people. I nod to her and when she is gone I turn to face Raven who is standing with her arms folded in front of me. She gives me a cold, hard stare that makes me feel uncomfortable. "What?" I ask raising my eyebrows at her. "Don't play dumb with me" she says slyly like a purring cat. "I don't know what you're talking about" I say, crossing my arms to match hers. She steps closer towards me and her stern face suddenly breaks into a beaming grin. I relax when I see her happy expression but I still have no idea what she is talking about. Through smiling teeth she says "You like her, don't you?" I roll my eyes. Raven is forever trying to talk about my love life with me, always chatting me up to girls at the bar. Besides Clarke, Raven is probably my closest friends but she sure as hell can be irritating some times. "I like who?" I ask sighing. "Clarke" she enthuses "I always thought you have had a thing for her and many times I've seen how you protect and defend her but just now I saw the way you looked at her; like you have finally admitted it to yourself" Everything about Raven is buzzing with excitement. I scoff at the ridiculousness of her suggestion. "Really? Me and Clarke?" I ask confused. "Don't pretend with me Bellamy" she says "You've always felt something towards her, even when we first landed but now you are finally realising it. The way you looked at her like you would give anything to keep her safe. How it tortures you to see her sad and how it pains you to see her with other people. The first time I thought I saw your true feelings towards her was when she sent you to mount weather; when she claimed she was being weak by not letting you go; when she claimed she was being weak by loving you" Raven has now placed her hands on my shoulders and is shaking me as if trying to awaken something inside me. "That's ridiculous" I say, disregarding her statements. I don't love Clarke and Clarke doesn't love me. She is my friend and nothing more. "It's not and you know it's not" she says. I pull away from her grip on my shoulders and shake my head. "You're crazy, Clarke and I are just friends" I say determinedly. What does Raven know anyway? I head towards the glass doors, putting an end to this conversation. "Fine" she sighs "Deny it all you want but you know it's the truth" she walks to back to her table and picks up the work she was doing earlier. "Goodbye Raven" I say sweetly to irritate her and I leave her alone in the room, shaking her head. Me, in love with Clarke? That's absurd. Right?


	2. Chapter 2

That night I toss and turn in my sleep. My head is full of the chaos and corruption it used to be and it just won't settle. All the things I have seen and done are attacking me all at once. The blood, the tears, the anger, the hatred, the sadness. I can't rest. I lie awake with the covers bundled up by my feet because I threw them off during the night. I now lay exposed to the cool air that tickles my torso. _When will things get better?_ I ask myself. Just then there is a loud knock on the door. I scramble out of bed, barely awake, and shuffle towards it. Sluggishly I grab the handle and pull the weighty door towards me revealing a small blonde standing in my doorway. "Clarke?" I ask and she smiles at me awkwardly. It is just then that I remember my appearance. I have scruffy, bed hair and bleary eyes but worst of all I am shirtless. Clarke quickly sneaks a peak at my visible abs and then back to my face. "What do you want?" I ask trying not to sound to sleepy. Clarke looks at me tiredly and yawns before explaining. "I've been up all night checking on the patients in medical and then when I go to my room I find out that they've given it to someone else" she says, her voice heavy and drowsy. "What?" I say. My brain is too slow from sleep to understand what she is saying. "Basically…" she yawns and stretches "Can I crash on your couch?"

I nod slowly, cogs still turning in my brain. "Sure, make yourself at home" I say, stepping aside and letting her in. My room is a mess and there are clothes strewn all over the floor but she doesn't seem to mind. She makes her way to the dusty, grey couch in the corner of the room and throws herself onto it, clearly exhausted. I look at the half asleep blonde girl lying on my sofa and I can't help but smile. It's been so long since I've slept this close to Clarke and it brings back memories of when we would fall asleep in the woods on opposite sides of the burning fire. I reach onto the top shelf of a bookcase and grab a cotton blanket. Instead of handing her the blanket, I carefully drape it over her and she gives me a grateful smile. Even when her eyes are half closed I can see their beautiful dusky blue that gives me chills. As I make my way over to my own bed she murmurs into the darkness "Thanks Bellamy, I owe you one" I fall into bed and sink into the warm mattress, desperate for rest. When I'm lying flat on my back, sleep taking control of my brain, I whisper back to her "Don't worry about it, that's what friends do" That night I got the best sleep I have had in months.

Bright, morning sunshine pours in through the cracks in my window blinds waking me from my slumber. For a moment I forget about the events that happened late last night but then I see a small, pale girl curled up on my couch. She has her hands tucked behind her head and her face is squished into them giving her a chubby, bunny like appearance. I smile. He golden hair falls in strands around her, circling her head and the blanket I gave her is pulled right up to her chin. Clarke has never looked so at peace. I gradually force myself from the warmth of my bed and place my feet on the cold, metal floor. I can't decide whether to wake her up or leave her there. She smiles softly in her sleep and I am hoping that she is having some good dreams for once. I throw on a tight, blue t-shirt and grab my jacket before heading out the door, deciding to let her sleep.

I walk down the empty halls towards to mess hall to get breakfast and unsurprisingly I see Raven sipping a drink while sitting on a bar stool. The room is almost empty with only a few workers dotted around but Raven is chatting with the bar tender seemingly not doing anything important. I stride over and take a seat next to her. She smiles when she sees me. "Hey, you haven't seen Clarke around this morning have you? I need to talk to her about the new lift in the tower" she says. "She's asleep in my room" I say casually but my response brings about a slightly shocked expression on Raven's face. She flicks her long pony-tail over her shoulder and says "Oh really? So how did she end up there?" a sly smile slips its way onto her face and I know what she is implying. I nudge her with my shoulder and roll my eyes. "Shut up" I say "She crashed on my couch last night". Despite the normality of what I'm saying I can feel my cheeks glow with embarrassment. Damn it Raven, why do you have to make everything I say feel so awkward? Raven chuckles to herself and takes a rather long swig of her drink. When the bar tender comes around to take my order, I remember when Sin Clair was here doing that job; yet another one of my friends who didn't make it this far. For a while Raven and I eat and drink together, laughing about god knows what but everything seems relaxed and happy; we have come a long way from when we first landed on the ground. After breakfast I abandon Raven to go back to my room and grab my guard's uniform. I unlock my door and open it to find Clarke reclining on my couch, stroking her notebook in her hand with a pencil. I step a few paces into the room and throw my jacket on my bed before asking "Did you sleep well?" Clarke looks up from her book and flashes a pretty smile at me. "Yeah thanks. I can't tell you how grateful I am" she says with genuine gratitude lacing her voice. "What are you drawing?" I say slowly walking towards the couch where she is sitting and plonking into the space next to her. Clarke looks down, embarrassed and shuts her book hurriedly. "Oh nothing" she says laughing awkwardly and clearly not wanting me to know what it was _._ What was she sketching and why doesn't she want me to see it?

Clarke tucks a strand of her messy hair behind her ear and pulls her sleeves over her fingertips. "I should get going" she says "I don't want to be a burden" I almost laugh as I say "Trust me you're not a burden, stay as long as you need" Clarke rests one of her pale hands on top of my own and a tingly sensation is sent through me. She looks me directly in the eye and that dusky blue is enchanting. "Thank you" she says meaningfully, never taking her eyes away from mine. When Clarke goes to the bathroom to straighten out her appearance I can still feel the warm sensation on my hand where her hand was and I find myself wishing her hand was always there, intertwined with my own.


End file.
